I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
