Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
