You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
