I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
