We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
