New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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