Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
