new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
