I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
my phone needs a breathalizer
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
