You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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