People in love make me want to vomit
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Randomize