this beer tastes like vomit already
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
