i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
