I cockslap morals
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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