I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
