I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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