Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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