I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
