they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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