My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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