i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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