I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
