i wish starbucks made bloody marys
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
