Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My dick has a subreddit
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
