i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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