my phone needs a breathalizer
I think I won the penis lottery.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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