So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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