I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
