I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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