I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
