You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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