what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
