He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
