fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I stole a fireplace last night.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
