I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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