it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize