did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
