the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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