you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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