I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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