I skipped work to stalk him.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
