i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Randomize
