I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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