Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
