State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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