I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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