I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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