At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
