eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
