I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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