I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
