I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize