dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
His nipple licking is glorious
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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