I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
tell me about the eggs
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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