when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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