he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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