i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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