I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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